Mistress

A wealthy husband and wife are dining at a very fine restaurant when an
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a
divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in
the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the
decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with
a gorgeous woman.  "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks.
"That's his mistress" replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier" says the wife.


****The Top 5 Sexual Jokes of 1999****

**Number five
A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby
and as he  does, his elbow goes
into her breast. They are both quite
startled.  The  man turns to her and
says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your  breast, I know you'll forgive
me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard
as your  elbow, I'm in room 221."

** Number four
A businessman boards a flight and is
seated next to a gorgeous woman.  He
notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.  He asks her about
it and she replies, "This is a very
interesting book.  It says that American
Indians have the longest penises and
Jewish men have the biggest diameter
penises.  By the way, my name is Jill.
What's yours?"
"Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you."

** Number three
One night, as a couple lays down for bed,
the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want to stay fresh."  The husband,
rejected, turns over.  A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again.  "Do you have a dentist
appointment tomorrow too?"

** Number two
Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had
been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle  slicer.
His wife suggested that he should
see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill said he would be too
embarrassed.  He vowed  to overcome the
compulsion on his own.  One day a few
weeks later, Bill came home. His wife
could see at once that something was
seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told
you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill.  I  mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

** Number one
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when the wife says,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said,
"We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well,"  Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old
times."
Whereupon the two stripped
to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.  "One's in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."