How to Get a Free Drink A mangy-looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqy." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist." ******************************************************************************** Halloween Party A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!" ******************************************************************************** During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?" ******************************************************************************** Membership Requirements Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either." ******************************************************************************** The Pope... The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope proceeded to hop on 95 and started accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he got to about 90 mph and, WHAM!, there were the blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror. He pulled over and the trooper came to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, said "Just a moment please I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He told the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do." The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted again?" The trooper said, "No, even more important." The chief replied, "It's the Governor, is it?" The trooper replied, "No, even more important." "It isn't the President is it?" "No, more important," replied the trooper. "Well WHO the HECK is it!" screamed the chief. "I don't know," said the trooper. "but he's got the Pope as a chauffeur." ******************************************************************************** The End of the World On Earth... Everybody on earth died and went to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who dominated their women on earth, and the other line is for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St.Peter." Said and done, the next time God looked the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men who were dominated by their women stretched for thousands of miles, and in the line of men who dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and cried, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in My image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of My sons who stood up and made Me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, My son, how you managed to be the only one in this line." And the man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here." ******************************************************************************** Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief !" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning!" ******************************************************************************** An Affair A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little boy says firmly. The man considers the position he is in for a moment. "Uh, I see. You're right, I do want to buy the ball. How much?" "Twenty-five dollars," the little extortionist replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but then shakes his head and complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places him in the closet with her little boy. "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much this time?" the hiding lover responds. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "What did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear about lizards and candy and preparing a lecture about how valuable the baseball and glove were. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness!" The father hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that shit again," says the priest. ******************************************************************************** A newfie gangster mob is deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing their next bank. After several previous successful bank heists, they all agree on the way to go about it, and in the wee hours of the following morning, embark on their plans to get rich yet again. Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system got under way immediately. The robbers were expecting one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, but were surprised (and happy) to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank. The first safe's combination was cracked, and inside the robbers were surprised to find only vanilla pudding. "Well bye", said one robber to another, "at least we got a bit to eat." The second safe also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all the safes were opened and there was not a dollar, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found. All the safes contained little containers of pudding. Disappointed, each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs. The following morning, a St. John's newspaper headline read: "Newfoundland's largest sperm bank robbed early this morning..." ******************************************************************************** An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold, and she is surrounded by buckets of money. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young princess. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh -- my cat is my best friend. I really love him. Can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." ******************************************************************************** A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..". He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked. "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home." ******************************************************************************** "The Swimming Pool" One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, he and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money." No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house." Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes." Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him. "That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?" "I don't want the money." "Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house." "Do you want the cars and planes now or later? " "I don't want the cars or planes." "Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either." "Do you want the drugs now or later?" "I don't want the drugs." "Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls." The rich guy looks at him and says "Well, what the hell do you want?!?!" "I want the bastard that pushed me in." ******************************************************************************** A honeymooning couple was passing through Kentucky. When they were approaching Versailles, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you very slowly pronounce where we are"? The guy behind the counter leand over and said, "Burrrrrrr gerrrrrrrrrrrrr Kiiiiing". ******************************************************************************** An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, Ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake... ******************************************************************************** It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." So the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!" ******************************************************************************** A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends, all to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. ****************************************************************************** Doctor, Doctor At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist." "Wow, how did you guess?" asks the male doctor. "I didn't feel a thing." ******************************************************************************** Human Sexuality A guy was taking a course in human sexuality. The instructor was going through various things in the Kinsey report, and the class members gasped audibly when she read aloud that one woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session. A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?" A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... Who was *HE*?" ****************************************************************************** A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He is CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!! "And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks. "Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality." "And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately. She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who own this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers." "Very interesting....." the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?" The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein." ******************************************************************************** HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes. Insist that your e-mail address be: "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" "mailto:zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask him/her to settle the disagreement. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. ******************************************************************************** Travel Expenses A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?" The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?" ******************************************************************************** This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'." "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed. "I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady put her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots said, "Hi, we're prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!" ******************************************************************************** A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double." The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said. "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant." ******************************************************************************** God was reviewing his checklist for creating the world: 1) Create the earth - DONE & it is good 2) Create the heavens - DONE & it is good 3) Create light - DONE & it is good 4) Create the animals - DONE & it is good 5) Create the Garden - DONE & it is good 6) Create Adam & Eve - DONE & it is good Now God sits Adam & Eve down and says, "I've gone over my list and everything so far is good. Now I've two more items to take care of. The first...... one of you will get to pee standing up..." Immediately Adam throws his hand in the air, "Oh I will, I will, pick me pick me, can I can I can I, please please." God looks down at his list. "Very well then Adam, you get to pee standing up," God says as He checks it off on His list. "I guess that leaves the last one for you, Eve. You'll get to have multiple orgasms." ****************************************************************************** If Women Ran the World A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing. Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men. Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho". The hem of men's pants would go up or down depending on the economy. Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season. Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey. Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds. Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. Men would come with papers showing their true identity, marital and employment status, if they live with their mother, and whether they have had their shots. Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity. Men would get reputations for sleeping around. "Ms. Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models. Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them. Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime. Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before. Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit. Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks". Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make. Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas. Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures. Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, Of course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I'll take care of the baby, etc. Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments. Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars. All toilet seats would be nailed down. Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers. TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute. All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator. Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single. During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year old boys. Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly. After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot. For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks. A female employee would be noticed for her work performance, not her bra size. Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets. ******************************************************************************* A true story ... When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by one peculiar remark that went "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr.Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Then, on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" ******************************************************************************* Rough Flight A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers on board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston." After a short pause and several clicks, the captain's voice again: "Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!" ******************************************************************************** Don't Drink and Drive A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" ******************************************************************************** A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity...and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab!!!" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a Big smile and two thumbs up to each driver. ******************************************************************************** Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club." ****************************************************************************** Professions A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25." ******************************************************************************** The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."